The True Meaning of Self-Care
When we think of self-care, many of us call to mind images of long, lazy spa days, a girls trip with college friends, a blissed-out yoga retreat, or another decadent, pricey activity. Let me be clear: I would absolutely engage in any and all of those activities and I encourage you to, as well, if it’s feasible for you. It’s not feasible for me. Not right now. Even if it were feasible, I’d have to be scheduling these kinds of activities all the time because self-care isn’t something that works if it’s only done quarterly. Or monthly. Or even weekly. Have you ever noticed how 48 hours after you return from your vacations you are back to your cranky, old self? Yeah, that’s why big splurges aren’t the best forms of self-care.
I recommend viewing self-care as a daily process of recognizing and honoring our needs for care. Such care applies to all realms of our lives: physical, emotional, social/relational, spiritual, energetic, etc. Let’s explore some of domains of care that we should all be keeping in mind:
Physical: this includes not just caring for our bodies with exercise, sleep, and diet, but with REST. How often are you resting, mama? Intentionally resting is critical self-care. Sit down and do nothing for a few minutes. Screens off. You’ll probably need to schedule this or it won’t happen.
Emotional: this includes creating space and time to fully be present and notice and process the emotions that are going on under the surface. Often, we rush from one thing to the next without noticing that something upset us, that we are on edge, or that we’re not enjoying our lives. Sometimes we notice the emotions but don’t take the time to uncover what’s causing these things. We don’t take time to nurture ourselves when life is tough and feelings are big and hard. Try this: how can you act as a good mama to yourself? When your kids have big feelings and bad moods, do you give them extra TLC? Provide opportunities to talk things through? Plan special things to cheer them up? These are precisely the types of actions we can provide ourselves as acts of self-care. I bet you don’t just rush your kids along and ignore their feelings (at least not all the time.) Let’s not do that to ourselves, either.
Social/relational: this includes offering yourself the optimal level of social connection and engagement. This could mean recharging alone, prioritizing a lunch date with a dear friend, getting a babysitter so that you can have more time alone, scheduling time to respond to cards/emails/texts… This category also includes BOUNDARIES. That’s right, I said the B word. Yes, boundaries are self-care. Maybe the most essential aspect of self-care that we overlook and that haunts us again and again until we figure it out. Boundaries are the lines between you and others that you set in order to stay healthy. This means how much contact you have, what type of contact, how much you give and how much you ask for, how much time you make for people and for yourself. Boundaries aren’t always static, so this is always a work in progress. But if you find yourself feeling weary, burnt out, resentful, or angry, chances are you have some work to do on your boundaries.
Sensory: I have an amazingly brilliant friend who had near-permanent indentations beside her ears for YEARS due to her usage of noise-canceling headphones when she as in her home with her children. She simply knew she could not exist alongside the noise happily and that her two boys were not capable of being as quiet as she needed for her optimal mental health. And she solved the problem like a BOSS. You may also find that you need more or less noise in your world (who really needs more noise, I ask?) or perhaps you need 10 minutes in the dark or looking out at the trees after working at a screen most of the day. Maybe you can give yourself special, happy moments simply by using scented body lotions or shower steamers. Other sensory treats to consider: perfumes, the smell of cookies baking in the oven, soft blankets or socks, the feeling of sunshine on your skin, the warmth of a mug of tea. Sensory delights (or breaks from too much sensory inputs) are one of the easier ways to treat yourself to something pleasant that can be brief, inexpensive, available in your home, and enjoyed as often as needed. Make it a daily priority!
Good luck, mama. You’ve got this. Start small and treat yourself as often as you can.
